It's Over

Thanks for the love, kindness and prayers.  Although I was really worried about contractions, pain, etc. it really ended up being more like a bad, but lighter, period.  The difference, besides not being pregnant anymore, is that when I get up and do stuff I bleed more and start to cramp.  So I'm just staying down for a few days.  My appointment today confirmed that it was complete, so, no complications.  My sweet sister arranged for dinner on Saturday (which was enough for Sunday dinner too:)), which was definitely the hardest day. 

I'm sure I didn't do anything to cause this, but I'm on the internet researching how to help myself be healthier for next time nonetheless.  Of course, we all know how reliable internet "research" can be, but it's nice to know what others are doing, thinking, what seems to help, and every now and then I come across an actual study or something very useful.  Learning is important and I learned a lot from this.  It was very different from the last one.  I used a lot of herbs that really helped, and figured out what I'd like to keep on hand. 

 I don't know why everything happens, but I'm at peace with this miscarriage.  It took so much longer last time for me to be okay with how things turned out.  I really wanted to understand, and thought I needed to understand exactly why, how, how to prevent it, and was generally in turmoil for several months.  I have faith that there was a reason, even if it was just for my own experience, and that everything will be fine.  Probably better than fine. 

The baby is mad at me for not picking him up today.  I can't even begin to count his words- he knows too many now and learns more every day.  The other kids are having a hard time doing their chores and school.  I'm having a hard time deciding whether to be an enforcer from the couch, or just ignore it all and put old movies on for the day (which would, of course, stop all progress on everything else). 

Waiting

Waiting is never fun for me.  Waiting for something unpleasant is much less fun.  I found out I was pregnant the day my sister found out her baby had passed away.  (And I cried for days due to crazy pregnancy hormones.)  I worried about how and when to tell her, and decided on waiting until much later.  I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Or getting a larger vehicle by January.

Today, I started bleeding, just spotting at first, and then real bleeding.  The OB did blood tests and an intravaginal ultrasound.  They would be very surprised if I didn’t miscarry.  A blessing confirmed that I will, and that it will be okay.  At 6 weeks they don’t usually do D&Cs, which I didn’t want anyway.  

So now I wait.  The first time I didn’t know what was coming.  Now I do, though every miscarriage is different, and I’m dreading it.  The pain, the blood, the time, the weakness and recovery.  I want it to be over and done so I can start over.  Dumb pregnancy hormones are making me weepy.  My body knows it’s not pregnant anymore.  The nausea left all at once.  But the hormones take much longer to subside.  

I want to run.  But even when it’s over, the best I can do is limp.  A stranger at the bus stop asked if I was okay as I slumped against the car when I returned from the hospital.  A neighbor pretended he didn’t see me as I cried my way up to my house.  I almost laughed, but I was busy crying.

The cramping is mild, but not so mild that I can sleep.  Maybe if I can sleep, I can deal with this tomorrow.  I’m glad everyone is going to be gone.  I was going to go to the PCC too, but now I will stay home in bed and hope it’s all over by the time they get back.  I don’t like people around when I’m in pain, or sad.  I don’t like writing public posts like this, but I was going to write it anyway, for my journal. I hate to end on a not-particularly-positive note, but at the moment I’m not feeling all that positive.  Maybe tomorrow.