Remembering

This post is for my sister, who wants to encourage important conversations instead of chit chat, which is also a habit of happier people..  Connecting, instead of going through life nodding and waving at people and feeling disconnected from all of them.

I had a miscarriage many years ago.  It was hard.  I was traveling.  My spouse didn’t seem to care at all, and wasn’t around.  My aunt was there, and was very supportive.  It wasn’t sudden.  I knew it was going to happen several days before it did, and was dreading it, anxious and worried for days.  I spent hours on the phone with insurance, trying to figure out how in was covered in an out-of-state hospital and what I was supposed to do.  I didn’t feel like they cared at all, and was sure they were trying to make it as difficult as possible. 

It was nothing like I thought it would be.  I was in “labor” for 13 hours, longer than any other labor I’ve had.  I was scared, and tense, and had a migraine.  I was traveling for several hours of contractions, from St. George to somewhere above Salt Lake.  I labored at my Aunt’s best friend’s house- a woman I had never met, with several children.  I don’t even remember my own child or who was watching him—I have no idea what he did or where he was for days.  I’m sure I should thank my aunt for making sure he was fed and happy.  I was self-conscious, wondering why this was so hard and long.  I thought it would be quick and relatively painless.  I shut myself in someone’s bedroom and cried and paced and curled up on their bed.  I wanted Mom and wanted to be home.

Eventually, my Aunt’s friend suggested massage.  It was painful, but a little while later, I was in the bathroom hemorrhaging.  I couldn’t move.  I called out for someone I think, and then I passed out.  I was in shock and being whisked to the hospital.  I came out of it long enough to tell someone I didn’t want to go to the hospital, that I wouldn’t do what they told me to.  We detoured to the bishop’s house for a blessing.  I was told to go to the hospital and do everything the doctor told me to, that he would be guided to know what to do.  At the hospital, I wanted to talk, but I couldn’t make the words come out.  I was still in shock.  I was so cold.  People were talking, to me, about me.  There were needles, and swabs, an IV, and they were asking lots of questions.  My aunt talked to me for hours and helped me to be calm.

Then it was over.  Everything was back to normal.  Except it wasn’t quite.  I was given a Father’s blessing. I talked to my mom.  She'd never had a miscarriage and told me to talk to my grandma.  For my grandmother, it was a long-ago experience, and she didn't have much to say.  She told me it just happens sometimes, to go on with life, and trust the Lord.

Then life became harder than I could ever have imagined, and my thoughts about it drowned in the wake of a new trial.

A couple of years and a new life later, I remembered the miscarriage with renewed anxiety.  I was at peace with what had happened.  I understood at least partly why, and why it was good.  But I was worried- that I would never have another child, that I would continue to miscarry (an inconsiderate doctor told me, while doing an intravaginal ultrasound and telling me my baby didn’t have a heartbeat, that I would thereafter have a 50% of miscarrying in every pregnancy after that), or not even be able to conceive.  We tried for 6 months, and I was starting to think of going to a doctor to see what was wrong.  I did conceive, and then I worried more.  I worried that I would do something wrong and hurt the baby, that no matter what I did I wouldn’t be able to fix it, that something was wrong with me.  

Now, when I find that I'm expecting, I hold my breath until I hear his heartbeat.  Then some more until I begin to feel him move.

I know God is in control, He works in my best interests, and that even as I have difficult experiences in the future, I will not be tested beyond my ability to endure.  I'm sure this knowledge should cause me to be calm about everything and never worry.  It doesn't work that way.  I still stress.  But I remind myself that He loves me and wants the best for me, and that everything will work out.  Sometimes I remind myself every day, sometimes I don't need reminding for weeks, and sometimes my husband does it for me :). 

What We Did for Homeschool This Summer

Like the creative title?  I think I'm out of energy for the day, and it's only lunchtime.  On the other hand, we successfully had devotional, family scriptures and prayer, chores, and individual scriptures (which somehow requires a whole lot of my time), before lunch.  I know, those are the things we probably should have had done before breakfast, but it felt like a lot today.

We did some homeschooling-type activities this summer, partly because I like it, and partly to make up for the months following giving birth, in which I didn't even pretend to be trying to homeschool.

This is a list of books we read- some were audio books, and some were books just the two oldest read.


The Cricket in Times Square (A)
Little House in the Big Woods (A)
Little House on the Prairie (A)
The Secret Zoo
The Boxcar Children
Surprise Island (Boxcar Children #2)
Ragged Dick
Wind in the Willows
Betsy and Tacy Go Downtown
Boys Against Girls
Lincoln's Grave Robbers
The Mummy's Curse (Hardy Boys)
Several Nonfiction books on Egypt, unfortunately chosen at random while at the library.
The Igloo (Nonfiction, about how Eskimo's survived, and how to build Igloos)
Dinosaurs Before Dawn (Magic Treehouse)
The Yellow House Mystery (Boxcar Children #3)


There is no way I could possibly list all the picture books we read, but here are some of our favorites (which we read over and over again throughout the summer), and a few new ones the kids loved:

Curious George
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus
May I See the King?
The House That Jack Built
Christina Katerina and the Great Bear Train
The Jester Has Lost His Jingle
The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales
Dear Mrs. LaRue
The First of Octember
Actually, all things Dr. Suess (especially my 5 yr old!)
Amelia Bedelia (Treasury)
If You Take a Mouse to the Movies, etc.
The Family Bedtime Treasury: Tales for Sleepy Times and Sweet Dreams
Tikki Tikki Tembo
I'm Not Cute

We did a unit on Egypt.  Kind of slapped together :(.  Someday I'll do a better one, but, we did it.  All about mummies (yuck), culture, pyramids, religion, and a few random facts.  Then Demetri read the Hardy Boys book to finish it up.

We drew lots of pictures.  Many drawing lessons were courtesy of nice people giving children free lessons on youtube.  Thank you.

We started Khan Academy.  The kids beg to play it.  They have to have all their other work done first.  They just discovered the computer programming lessons on there and will spend as long as I let them.  The best part of it is, I don't really have to teach much math.  If they don't understand something, there is a video to show them how.  This makes me very, very happy!

We wrote letters to family and friends.  Not all of them were sent :(, as I found out the more I cleaned, but we have tried.  We started scripture journals.  We cooked, did boy scouts, lots of library, piano lessons, geography, a couple of field trips (Pearl Harbor anyone?).

So, looking back, even though I worry once in a while that we don't get enough formal schooling in, I think they are doing just fine. Half the time they don't even know that what they are doing counts as "school."  And that's the way I like it.

A Couple of Pictures. Babies grow too fast!

It's not that I'm too busy to blog, but it could well be that I'm too tired :).  The goal at the moment is to post at least once a month.  In this way, I may still end up with some sort of memoir or "journal" when I can't remember my own name anymore.  Sadly, a child dropped the hard drive with my journal on it, which, sadly, was not backed up.  I thought it was, but it wasn't.  A whole year and a half of journal gone just like that.  Pouf!  But, I still have my blog, which has Lorenzo's birth story at least...

I tried to print pictures to send to grandparents today.  That was a waste of ink.  I should know to wait until Shawn comes home.  So, I'll do the next best thing and post some here.

This is Renzo way back in June.

 But I believe this one is July :).  I looked around and saw him with his mouth on the diaper box, and realized that he was kissing the Huggies baby.  He talked to the baby, tried to play with the baby and grab his face.  It was adorable, and hilarious. 

 This is currently my very favorite picture of Xander.  I love this age!

 All my guys (wishing the baby wasn't in the hiking backpack about now) hiking to Manoa Falls.

Someday soon, when Shawn lives here again, we'll go hiking again.  We love to hike, and we love to swim.  So Hawaii is pretty awesome.

This week we're just working on feeling better.  I'm glad they only seem to have mild cases of Hand, Foot, and Mouth.  Still, had to cancel all our plans and appointments for the week, and we have had an I Dream of Jeannie marathon and a Bewitched marathon.  Other than that we've been working on sharing- 2 computers and 3 kids who want to play Khan academy.

My Awesome Chaotic Life (Or How Summer Has Flown By)

Ah yes, ahem.  About that blog.  Well, I wanted to write several times in May, but May was a tough month.  Shawn was gone for the entirety of it.  In Singapore.  He had fun, I survived it, and the kids didn't forget who he is.  Then I have had company (different people) for a month.  I like company, so this is good.  We tried/cooked new foods, went to the beach,/waterpark/pool a lot, did Pearl Harbor/the PCC, went to the temple with my whole family (that was pretty cool!), went paddleboarding (thanks Miguel!), more beach, got to sit around a little and talk story with some of my favorite people, and just generally had a blast.  I also went to the Army ball- which was a nice change of pace. 

This weekend my sister-in-law was visiting.  We went to Nanakuli for an hour to get some sun and ocean time before going bowling, and then Saturday we managed to get a few hours in at Pokai Bay.  Hope she didn't mind the chaos of our house and trying to get ready with so many small people.  They are very sad that everyone is gone, and want to know when we can go to Idaho (and can there please be snow).

Lorenzo started scooting a few weeks ago, and in all the mayhem, I'm not even sure I have a video of it.  He also has two teeth.  That all happened in the middle of the night, for about two weeks.  I remember, because I was up with him, pacing, and he under no circumstances wanted to sit or sleep horizontally.  There were a few rough nights, but it passed, and he's mostly back to his bouncy, happy self.  He loves the ocean.  He loves poi. 

Is It Still May?

The month is creeping by.  It's going a little too slow for my taste.  On the other hand, children grow up so quickly that I should just relish each day.  I was thinking about how my kids are doing, and how they are changing.  This, is pretty much copy/pasted right out of my journal, which obviously hasn't been updated much:

Demetri has been a huge help lately. He's done a lot of chores and helping with the baby.  He's getting great at baking bread.  He has been holding the baby for me at night after the other kids are in bed, and putting him to sleep while I clean and fold laundry.  It helps that I've let him watch old (1940's) movies with me while doing so.  He is pretty interested in magic tricks right now.  He has several magic books that he was given for various birthdays, and is starting to get some of the tricks down.  He showed me two this evening that were fairly decent.  He wants to sew a cape, and make a magician's hat.

For the last few months, Olie has been insisting that he doesn't like to read, and hasn't been looking at books during quiet time.  This week he decided to read the Book of Mormon from start to finish (as did Teddy a few weeks ago) and today he lamented not being able to read chapter books yet.  I told him he could probably try out a chapter book, so he grabbed a random one that was too hard, and was upset at all the words he couldn't read.  I found a couple of our easiest, explained that if there were more than 5 words on a page that he didn't know it was probably too hard, but 5 or less was fine.  He settled on The Boxcar Children and read 51 pages today (well- he was grounded and couldn't play outside so he read while all the other kids were playing in the neighbor's kiddie pool).  He was so excited that he told everyone about how he can read chapter books now.  Hope it doesn't wear off!  On the flip side though, he usually does his chores very quickly but when I tried to get him to this evening he was too busy reading.  He also took his book up to bed and started reading in bed.  I had to turn lights off and take it away.  He told me when he was finished with it he was going to read it over again and again, but I told him there are many more in the series that he can read.  Then he wanted to make a reservation at the library, right now.  Maybe tomorrow.  I'm sure he'll remember.


Teddy is trying to keep up.  He wants to do everything as well as his big brothers, which is probably why he can read so well, and why he is already working on multiplication tables.  He still has some work to do in addition, but he just doesn't want to get left behind, so he's jumping the gun a little.  So he's doing well in school, and I don't even have to do anything- he just does whatever his brothers are working on.  He loves to cook, and really doesn't like it when I try to help.  He reminds me every Friday that it's his turn to make dinner.  He's not so great about getting chores done, but plays so well with Xander right now that I'm trying to let it slide a little and do some of his chores while he entertains the 2 year old.  Some days that is quite the trick, and worth more to me than cleaning the living room and emptying the dishwasher.

Xander has moved from “I wuv oo mommy,” which I loved, to “I luff you mommy.”  I love to hear the way their language changes as they grow.  I'm always sad when it stops being cute and so little-sounding.  He loves to play outside.  In fact, whenever he talks to anyone on the phone, that is the first (and usually only) thing he tells them.  “How are you Xander?”  “I'm trying to go outside.”  “I want to see if Tuti (his best friend) is home.”  He adores his baby brother, so much that I have to be careful where I set him down.  Xander will try to pick him up.  Whenever Lorenzo cries, Xander runs to him and says “Don't cry Renzo!” or “Don't be a sad baby; be a happy baby.”


Lorenzo is 4 months old.  I forgot how many llbs.  15?  Bigger than any of the others at this age except Teddy.  He props himself up on his elbows when you put him on his tummy, to see what he can see.  He laughs at himself in the mirror, or talks to himself.  He laughs delightedly at his brothers when they try to entertain him, so one of the sounds that makes him laugh is a snarl.  Oh brother.  At least it doesn't scare him.  He likes to be tossed in the air, and he loves people.  He doesn't cry much.  UNLESS you put him in his car seat.  Unfortunately, he ends up there all too often.  I thought about quitting gymnastics because of it, but gymnastics has been so good for Demetri that I couldn't bring myself to do it.  So we just switched our routine up a little so we're not driving home in rush-hour traffic.  That helps.  He bats at toys and grabs at everything he can get his little fingers around to stuff it in his mouth.  That's only happened in the last few weeks.  I have separated the hair of many a young woman from his hands recently.  Someday they'll learn. 

The Pure Genius of Oil Pulling + Health Conscious Kids--And it has Nothing to Do With Health

Well, okay.  I do oil pulling for the health benefits as well--and it really has helped.  I have some terrible tooth pain and I'm hoping to avoid a root canal.  Oil pulling helps immensely.  It also has the awesome side effect (happy surprise!) of making my teeth whiter, and helping my smelly breath- which I've had a problem with for years.  Yay.

My children are obsessing over health at the moment, probably because their mom does it.  And they are still at the stage where they want to be just like me :).  As I have worked on this tooth, Olie and Demetri have given up or minimized refined sugar with me, passed up pasta and other yummy things for dinner to have just a big salad, and most recently, started doing oil pulling with me.  Today I set the timer for 15 minutes (none of them have actually made it that long until today), and handed out the spoonfuls of oil (I know, bleck!).  Teddy sauntered up to me and bravely asked if he could try too (for the first time).  With Shawn at work, a very asleep baby, and a usually quiet 2 yr old (unless riled up by big brothers), do you know what I had for 15 solid minutes?  Silence.  15 minutes of total and complete silence.  In my house.  It was glorious.  We should definitely do this every day.  But I imagine the novelty will wear off fairly quickly.  Still, one can dream.

Time Passes Too Quickly

Demetri is crying.  Maybe I am too.  Olie is saying he loves his Grandma Wilcock and doesn’t want her to go.  Their great-great-grandma is still here, but fading quickly.  Her 92^nd birthday was just a few days ago, and she seemed to be doing great.  Now she doesn’t recognize anyone and is being taken down to Hurricane, UT, where she grew up and raised a family.

I’m not brokenhearted.  She has lived a good, long, and full life, and I’m sure she is ready to be with Grandpa again.  I have wonderful memories of being with her, living in her house when I was 19, visiting, taking my children to her house to visit and take pictures. 

I am, however, very upset about living so far from family.  (I’m also very sad that I didn’t send the letter my sons wrote to her with the pictures of Lorenzo- still sitting on the table in my entryway).  I like Hawaii just fine, but I HATE living so far away from everyone.  I don’t believe it is supposed to be this way.  I think children should grow up knowing their aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  There is nothing I can do about it right now, so I might as well just learn to accept it, but I’m sad that my kids can’t just walk over to Grandma’s house to give her flowers, or at least drive over for Sunday dinner.  I’m sure technology is a great “cure” but we don’t use it like that very much.

There is always the wish that you had more pictures, remembered things more clearly, had asked for more advice, listened better, spent more time…

My favorite memories of Grandma Wilcock are of washing clothes with her in her really old washer (with a wringer to put the clothes through before you hang them on the line); listening to her play the accordion, piano, and sing (usually with Grandpa); playing with toys and puzzles on her living room floor- and watching my kids play there; gardening with her, and listening to her tell stories about Grandpa.  I also loved to play with the prisms in her window.  She would get them down for us to hold and tell us how they worked- and let us make rainbows.  I was quick to point those out to my boys when we brought them. 

I would love to live up in the mountains of Idaho, and raise my children near family, sharing and doing all the things I got to do when I was growing up.