A
lady from a news place called me today.
She’s working on a pitch for a show about military families, spouses in
particular I believe, and wanted some stories.
When she called, I made a complete fool of myself. I talked her ear off, didn’t directly answer
her questions, and felt ridiculous afterward.
The problem is that I need time to think. The things that come out of my mouth off the
cuff are…well, let’s just say my husband’s career in politics has ended before
it began, due to his wife’s mouth. And
doesn’t he know it!
Okay,
so after some reflection, I would like to answer a few of the questions she
asked in a more thoughtful, honest light.
She
wanted to know how I met my husband, and about my family. Believe me, now she knows more than she
wanted to. I don't care much about secrecy, or privacy, and tend to tell my whole story when given encouragement. But other questions included ones like these:
Do
you take care of yourself? As in, have the time, resources, etc.
I
believe that what I told her was that I do spend most of my time on the
children , but that it is by choice, and I chose this life. Which is true. But I had a fundamental problem with the
question. So here is my real answer.
Not
generally in the way that it is usually meant, but I have a couple of friends
who make sure I get out sometimes. Now,
this isn’t necessarily due to the military.
This is how I am regardless of circumstances, so far. Not that I’ve ever been wealthy or had a ton
of time on my hands. But my general view
on life happens to be that the idea of self-care (you have to fill your bucket
before you can fill someone else or something like that) in reference to anything other than faith
is false. It’s true that having a
testimony, and studying the gospel will aid you greatly in helping others with
theirs. Sometimes, in difficult times,
you are the one who needs help (spiritual or temporal), and aren’t capable of
helping others. But for the most part,
the Lord suggests that helping others, giving ourselves in service, is the solution. Think of the women in third world countries
who spend the entire day just trying to survive- getting water from several
miles away, cooking, and doing laundry by hand.
Modern conveniences are a privilege, and bring responsibility. Responsibility to use the time we save for
helping instead of for selfish reasons.
I’m not saying don’t ever have any fun, because there are people in the
world who are suffering. I believe that
those in very difficult situations still have joy in small things. (I AM saying, be mindful of how you use your
time.) However, I don’t believe that very
much “me time” is necessary. It’s nice
to have the time to shower and read the scriptures, to write in a journal or on
a blog. Those are good things. I also believe that women who work 14 hour
days and are barely keeping food on the table, and are continually burnt out,
are still good mothers and good people (taking care of yourself isn’t necessary
in order to be a good mom or wife), and whether they can or they feel like they
can’t- they DO. They keep on giving and
keep on going (you don’t have to take care of yourself in order to get done
what needs to be done). You do what you have to
do. So with all of the hype and the
articles on taking care of yourself, what I have to say is that it’s a bit
overdone. The occasional girls’ night
out or shopping trip is nice, but not necessary. So I
may not “take care of myself” much in the way that you meant, but I feel like I
am well taken care of.
(Incidentally,
the short answer to her question should have been “yes.” Because I do talk to my friends on the phone,
play the piano, shower (albeit with the door locked and several hands knocking
the entire time), write in my journal and on my blog, watch movies and shows,
drink clean water, eat real food, and read books and scripture. These, in my book , are “taking care of
myself.” Others may choose to do so
differently, and that’s okay too.)
Do
you and your husband go on dates?
I
totally skirted this question.
Completely. And the real answer
is, no. We don’t really go out and have
dinner, go out to movies, or even get to go to the temple together, like,
ever. But I still believe we have a
happy, healthy marriage. (Don’t get me
wrong- I do believe it could be better if we did a weekly date, not that those have to be traditional dates either.) What do we do that I think we have a healthy
marriage? We talk, a lot. We have planning
meetings (not as often as we should) during which we discuss important things,
upcoming events, concerns, finances, the children and their needs, and any
other thing we want to put on the agenda.
We read books and articles together and discuss them. We post articles of interest to each others'
Facebook, or just read them or hand the phone over. He listens to my rants, offers his thoughts,
and I try hard to do the same for him (although, I must say, he really doesn’t
rant much). We watch a movie together
after the kids go to bed-once in a while.
We do everything possible together (even grocery shopping), even if it
means being less productive and one of us is just sitting in the car while the
other one does whatever errand. Because
we love each others' company. So we
spend as much time together as we can.
Some
of these things we don’t do often enough.
We don’t have the perfect marriage.
We do really well at spending time doing things that help our marriage
to be better for a while, and then we slack off for a while until it’s become
noticeable, and try to work on it again.
That happens. I bug him, tease,
and maybe nag a little about dates. It’s
something we should do better at- even if only as an example to my five young
sons of what they should be doing in their marriages. But again, it’s not the fault of the military. Many people who are not fortunate enough to
live close to family, or affluent enough to afford much babysitting, struggle
with the same issue.
What
are your biggest challenges?
I
flaked on this answer. I pretty much
told the lady I have an awesome church, awesome husband, and awesome kids. Who has challenges?
Now,
this is obviously not true, and I think this is where she gave up on me and
politely took her leave :). I was just having problems with being put on
the spot. For a little background
though, I had been researching abortion and the Syrian refugees all morning, so
really, in that light- what problems?! I
have challenges, just like everyone else.
Sometimes they just pale in comparison to larger problems and I feel
like I don’t even have the right to call them challenges. First world problems. My biggest challenges right now are (and if
you were here it would be obvious) keeping my house clean, Restless Leg
Syndrome, getting the kids in bed on time, and menu planning/shopping. We don’t even have any money problems, I just
worry about money too much. Those,
again, are not military related. They
are normal life related.
Answering
these questions on here doesn’t do anything but make me feel better. She’ll never see it, and I can’t go back and
change what I did say, or my running mouth that never stops (can I count that
as a challenge?!), but it still makes me feel better to write it down. Have I mentioned that I like debates, discussions, and questions like these online much better than in person? It gives me time to think, research, or reflect. This almost unfailingly yields better results :).
