I'll be back...sometime

Can I take a hiatus from life?  Well, I'm taking one from blogging, and e-mail, and the phone.  So don't be offended if I don't answer e-mails or pick up the phone (it's probably off).  I'll rejoin the social world when I feel more like a functional human. 

The kids are doing okay.  I'm trying to make sure they get out of the house and get to do some fun things.

See you all later--and my apologies to those I may have just recently invited to my blog.  I'll return shortly.

This one's for you Jer-- Today's Gratitude List

I am grateful for the Relief Society activity that kept me busy for the majority of the day, and that the kids could run themselves to distraction in the sealed-off parking lot.

I’m grateful for the baptism of one of Demetri’s friends that we were able to attend.  I got to answer lots of questions from the little kids, and it was nice to see them excited about being baptized and behaving so well there (okay, until the last 10 minutes!).

I’m grateful that my kids think tuna sandwiches, fruit smoothies, and popcorn for dinner is an awesome treat and that they sing my praises for letting them help out with making such a treat.

I’m grateful for friends and family who care, even though I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.

I’m grateful for my neighbors and their working internet connection which they’ve sweetly provided me access to, so that I don’t have to go to the library anymore to do my homework until the provider decides they have time to fix it.

And for those interested, I've decided to stay.  In part because I really need this van to last for approximately another year, and at 200,000 miles accompanied by some strange noises, I'm trying to prevent more wear and tear issues than absolutely necessary.  But I reserve the right to arbitrarily change my mind at any time, even if it means going without a car for 6 months (which my husband has deemed an impossible pipe dream).

Inner conflict

I’m okay at handling conflict with other people; it’s usually short-lived, and everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.  It’s when there are two or more differing opinions (on the same subject) residing in my own mind that I start to have trouble.  You see, as is true of many other people in the world, I have debt.  I also have choices.  The current choice is whether to stay here while my husband is in China, or go home.  I don’t want to be here.  It’ll be a tough several weeks and I’m already prone to some degree of depression with this pregnancy (I’m not sure why).  I’m doing much better than I have been, but it’s still a struggle to get through the day until Shawn comes home.  I didn’t think it was even a possibility, but it turns out I really could scrape together the gas money to go up there.  However, I seem to be several different people right now.

1.         Fiscally responsible me says if I have any “extra” money at all it should go toward paying debt down faster.  It’s been really weighing me down lately and I’ve been on a crusade to exterminate it more quickly by paying more than just the minimum payments.

2.        Emotional me thinks I may have a nervous breakdown if I have to stay here all by myself (with the kids) for that length of time.

3.        Responsible me says I have a lot of obligations here that I shouldn’t shirk, since I’m ditching in December anyway.

4.        Another logical voice likes to point out that I will be spending 8 months of the next year at my parent’s house and I should just stick it out here for a month and be happy.

5.        All the other voices say go back to bed.

I’ll probably end up staying here, since it seems to make the most sense (except to my poor children who will be stuck here in the house with me!), and as a result of “not deciding.”  Often, avoiding a decision for too long is really just making the decision in a roundabout way.

Children Keep My Life Interesting

1^st October 2011

I enjoyed what I could listen to of conference today.  The connection is slow, so sometimes it would stop and buffer.  Part of conference was interrupted by the parakeet.  The bird (I’ve been told his official name is now Diggory, but everyone still calls him “the bird”) decided he liked us and started landing on Demetri.  This was fine until he tried to preen Demetri.  There were no feathers for him to pluck out so Demetri ended up with some pretty good welts.  He spent the rest of the day (whenever he was allowed to) training the bird not to bite him (after we convinced him that the bird was only doing it because he liked Demetri not because he was trying to hurt him).  We looked in a book and found that they like to play with balls, so Demetri put one on the cage and waited for the bird to knock it off.  They both thought it was a fun game.  By the end of the day, whenever Demetri came near, the bird would land on his shoulder and sit there while he walked around. 

I’m going to have to read some of conference over again, but I’m glad we got most of it, and that I’m able to read it later too.

Olie wanted to do something fun after we went shopping.  He was whining at me about it and I told him he could help me make dinner.  He said that wasn’t a fun thing to do and I could make dinner while he did something fun.  I suggested that maybe he should make dinner while I did something fun.  The poor shocked child said, “What?!  But I don’t know how to cook!”  Then he thought about it for a minute and said, “But if you teach me how to cook then I would know how.”  So he decided he was going to make spaghetti and salad tonight all by himself.  He did most of it, although it felt like the most work I’ve ever done to get spaghetti and salad on the table.  And he was extremely proud of that dinner.  He thinks it should be his new chore every day.  We compromised on once a week.

Our current project is table manners.  Small bites, chewing each one 20 times, sitting upright, using cloth napkins (and keeping them on laps!).  I am the worst offender, and wanted to work on it.  So far, they think it’s really funny, but they’re doin’ good.

Great ending to the day…I got rid of all the stuff I didn’t want in one fell swoop.  A lady came by for a bed, saw some other things around that were metal and said she sold scrap metal.  We loaded her trailer and pickup good and full.  And I’m very happy.

Looking forward to another good conference day tomorrow, and I’m considering whether Demetri is too young to start family history work??  (Sigh) I would have to learn how to do it all again, it’s all changed.

How to Turn the Day Around

I should be in bed…but I have this blogging addiction.  Okay, it’s not for the sake of blogging.  I just like to write.  Nevermind that I have already written two papers (short-ish of course) today.  Those were predetermined topics.  When I write in my journal and on my blog I get to write about whatever I want.  Besides, blogging somehow keeps my journal going.  Weird.  

Found the camera, which has been lost for about 3 weeks…in a pair of Shawn’s pants that have been buried for about that long.  (Gives you a rough idea of the state of my house.)  So I’m going to start posting pictures again…because I realize that sometimes they can be the best part of a blog…even when I take them and they’re not very good.  Kids just grow fast.

I cut Shawn’s hair today.  Military cuts look funny anyway, but when I do it they’re just downright hilarious.  No pictures of that effort forthcoming; poor Shawn.  

It was a rough morning.  I talked my poor mom’s ear off.  Then I decided to do something for the kids instead of wallowing in my own self-pity (aren’t you proud of me mom?!).  So when Olie asked if we could please do something fun I surprised him by saying, “Sure, what do you want to do?”  The stunned child happily chose the game Categories.  Because you get to pour water on people.  They thought it was great fun and that mom was being a real sport to let them fill the very large lid full.  We all got soaked, including one of my couches.  Then we read whatever books they wanted.  We (I) have to read very slowly because they all like to say the words with (or right after) me.  They all have The Very Hungry Caterpillar memorized.  It’s probably good for them.  Just sitting there with them and watching their absolute joy over simple things did me a world of good.  I think I’ll survive here after all.  I mean, the odds are going up...

I did enough homework today that I’m satisfied that I won’t be scrambling against deadlines at the end of the week.  I want to read a good book.  But I think I will retire to my bed earlier than I did last night, that I may be less weary tomorrow than I was today.

Why am I the only one in the room who thinks this is wrong?!

26^th Sept 2011

I went to the OB last week.  He was a very nice man, and taught my 8 yr old a science lesson during the ultrasound.  He like the kids and let them push buttons when he needed them to be pushed.  Nevertheless, I won’t be going back.  We got along because I kept my mouth tightly shut.  The problem is that he wants to conduct prenatal care in a manner I disagree with.  Like many doctors, he’s firm and convinced of the correctness of his opinion.  His patients don’t have a lot of options—his word is law.  It’s his perfect right to conduct his business that way, and it’s mine to choose my own style of healthcare.  To many, doctors are experts, the authority, and should be consulted and obeyed.  To me, they are people I hire to advise me.  However, I am still the consumer, and am paying them to provide the healthcare I want.  The responsibility for my health is my own.  If I don’t agree with the advice given I won’t take it.  Back to the midwife I go (who, incidentally, does whatever I ask—barring the crossing of moral lines, which hasn’t happened).

Life is uncertain at this point.  Simply meaning that once again, we don’t know quite what we’re doing or when.  I’m thankful that the gospel is a steady, unchanging conduit of light I can depend on when other things in life are unsure.  In the midst of uncertainty we can still have family traditions and routines that keep our focus on what is most important.

I’m ignoring my children for the next couple of months while I try to get through this last semester.  But then I’m done.  And I’ll be a good mom again.  I didn’t realize how much of my time it would take, and should have stuck to the one class I needed to graduate.

Still, the kids are healthy and relatively happy, and they are learning a lot about religious, political, and moral questions around the dinner table.  Because that's when I talk to Shawn about what I'm studying in my classes.  I'm the odd one out in every class.  The extremist in every situation.  I disagree with almost every other student (at least with what they write) and am avoided because of my ideas.  (The problem is I don't generally disclose my ideas unless I'm in a comfortable environment but because of the nature of the online discussions, I'm forced to give and defend an opinion.  I simply can't gush about how I agree with a lot of nonsensical idiocy, and I have a hard time being politically correct...so I'm just hoping to pass the class I need.)  I even call my mother to ask her just how far off-base I could possibly be.  I must be okay, because she usually agrees with me, and on the rare occasion that she doesn't, she at least lets me know my opinions are decent and that I'm not crazy.  That means a lot...I value my mother's opinion.   

Shawn, schedules, and I'll probably feel better tomorrow.

Roundtable tonight.  We learned how to make water rockets with 2 liter pop bottles.  My scouts will love it!  You should have seen all the adults out on the lawn in the dark launching a rocket...it was hilarious to watch.

Well, Shawn's going to China a week earlier than he was supposed to, but he comes back two weeks earlier than we expected.  So we don't get to see his family, and he won't be gone over Thanksgiving.  I believe he only gets a four day weekend for Thanksgiving anyway, so I may get to learn how to cook a turkey this year...or maybe I'll just turn it over to him and let him do a ham.  (They love ham, and I hate it, so they never get it unless Shawn actually goes out and buys and cooks it.)

We're going camping tomorrow (ward camp out).  The boys were quite put out this evening, because we packed the car today so they thought we were going today. They had friends over this afternoon and they all went outside and rode scooters.  I love it when they find something fun to do and entertain themselves.

Got all my homework done for the week, so I don't have to worry about it this weekend.  Of course, that means we didn't get a lot of homeschool done this week, just the basics.  It also means the house was barely liveable all week.  I'm grateful this is my last semester.

We're good...I mean alive, fairly healthy, still learning and growing, etc.  Trying to get a good schedule/routine down to cope with this semester and Shawn being gone for a while.  Can you go crazy in five weeks of no contact with your husband (while pregnant and in school?--I should have kept it down to one class)?  Well, maybe he'll be able to e-mail me.

While I'm living a pretty nice, drama-free life (except for nursery, which was just hilarious :)), I am also getting restless here.  I'm ready to be done and we have another 9 months here.  I'm sure I can handle it, and it's not the place; it's beautiful here.  It's the schedule.  Twice this week I saw Shawn for about an hour before I had to leave and he had to go to bed.  My love language is time, so it's not working out very well.  It's interesting that he doesn't do anything with friends (not that I'm complaining).  He likes to be with me during every free moment (I don't coerce him, that's just how he is)...he just doesn't have many of those lately.