Veganish

I haven't written in a while.  I've thought about it, but I haven't done it.  Because telling people (okay, mostly my dad) about going vegan (ish), would be like telling him I've decided to become Amish.  He would freak out.  Or at least roll his eyes and do an awesome face-palm.  I grew up on a beef ranch y’all.  I can still conjure up the smell of burning flesh as cattle are being branded, at will.  And it smells like home!

We've already cut meat out except when company comes, and life has been like that for years.  I don't like to cook it, and I rarely like to eat it, and touching raw meat makes me gag, so, no big deal there.  I grew up without milk, with the exception of a few times a calf would die, and the mom still needed to be milked, so we'd have fresh, raw milk for a few weeks.  Mom would try her hand at her own cheese, yogurt, butter, etc.  But we didn't buy milk from the store much, and NEVER drank it from a glass like some of my friends did.  I can do without milk.  There is such a good selection of non-dairy milks now that I haven't bought cow milk in years anyway.

Enter- the things I'm going to have a hard time with.  Cheese, butter, sour cream, yogurt, cottage cheese, honey.  Scratch that.  I'm not cutting honey.  Let's back up.  This decision was made after a lot of scripture reading, blog reading, and reading historical quotes from prophets.  We decided we needed to more closely follow the Word of Wisdom and other scriptural counsel for health, and cut out the things we felt to be unhealthy.  I personally have a hard time entering yet another weird group to which I don't really belong (ie I have different reasons for a belief, or really don't believe anything else most of the rest of the group believes) but it looks unavoidable at this point.

So allow me to show how I am really between worlds, yet again, and don't exactly fit into the omnivore group or the vegan/vegetarian crowd either.  I don't think meat and dairy are good for anyone.  Not just "this is best for me and my family" (an argument I abhor).  (Don't worry, I won't try to go around to all my omnivorous friends and family telling how horrible it is to eat meat...unless they ask:).  And I also realize that it isn't a commandment to be vegan, and is a commandment not to tell everyone it's a sin to eat meat.) I think it's hilarious and ridiculous for ANYONE to adore their pets, fight for animal rights- or at least vote for enacting animal cruelty laws (or think hunting is totally wrong), and still eat meat!  First, because animal cruelty laws don't really apply to the animals you are eating, and second, because it makes zero sense that we eat cows but eating horse would be gross, or eat pigs and turn up our noses at dog.  Especially since it's totally cultural.  Other countries eat those and think we're funny.  And we peg them as unrefined...because that's just what we do to justify our choices as better.  Religiously, eating a lot of meat because everyone else in the ward is doing it too, and ignoring our own scripture, is, well, hypocritical.  But as a whole we do tend to pick and choose, and ignore the things we don't want to give up (me included). 

Vegans- well, there is a stereotype.  Not that all vegans can be put in a little box and labeled as to entire personality and character based on diet, however, it is true that most of the ones I know, have met briefly, or read about on blogs, etc. seem to have some beliefs that are somewhat expected of vegans.  I've been referred to as "crunchy" and "granola" several times.  Many people I know embrace those terms.  For your reference, here is the urban dictionary definition (because I only heard it a couple of years ago and had to look it up even though it's been around for decades):
"Adjective. Used to describe persons who have adjusted or altered their      lifestyle for environmental reasons. Crunchy persons tend to be politically strongly left-leaning and may be additionally but not exclusively categorized as vegetarians, vegans, eco-tarians, conservationists, environmentalists, neo-hippies, tree huggers, nature enthusiasts, etc."


None of those terms come even close except vegetarian or vegan.  In fact, I may be opposite of each of those other terms.  Secondly, I don't eat this way because I care about the animals, at all.  I don't, and further, I don't even really like most animals.  So other vegans and I tend to have very little in common past a love for awesome new meatless, dairy-less recipes.  Not only that, but some don't want to be friends with me because of the number of children I have (on purpose!).  Climate change and overpopulation are non-issues meant to distract people from life and give them something to worry about in my opinion, and yet because I am different in some ways, it has been assumed that my ideals align in these areas, and I have been accosted or rejected over my indifference to my family's carbon footprint and my "selfishness" in having more than 1 or 2 children.  Most vegans, I think, don't use leather either.  I'm totally okay with leather (and wolf-skin coats!).  And honey.  They don't use it.  After about 5 minutes of reflection, I concluded that honey was made by God for me, doesn't hurt the bees, and has great medicinal value.  I see no reason to give it up.  Making me...not exactly vegan, but more than vegetarian.  Maybe there's another word?  Oh yes.  Weird.  That about sums it up.




And let's not tell my Dad yet k?  I'm sure he'll figure it out at the next family reunion when I break out the special marshmallows or tofurkey hot dogs.

Getting a Serious Head Start on New Year’s Goals

I randomly had the urge to make some new goals last month.  I wrote down the things I wanted to do or change, and set them aside, thinking they’d make great New Year’s Goals.  But then, as life happened, I just wanted to start working on them already.  So I did.  These are the goals I’ve been focusing on recently.

Simplifying my life.  I haven’t altogether given up on minimalism, but it may take a few years to get there (like, after my kids are out of the house?!), so in the meantime, I’m working on simplifying every area of my life.  Physically, I’m still working on throwing things out and organizing my house, which has included getting rid of my couches and moving a futon downstairs, putting pictures up, buying curtains (which may have turned out to be a mistake!), and hauling bags and bags of things to the local thrift shop.  The boys now have 14 tops and 8 or so bottoms, and I’m pretty sure my laundry room gave a standing ovation.  I even went through my books!  -This must mean I’m serious.  Also in the name of simplifying, I have given up Facebook, and I’m working on my other vices.  (I don’t want my children to think being glued to your phone is a. normal, or b. desirable.)  We went through toys, and are back down to balls, cars, blocks, and a couple of dolls.  The baby toys are stowed upstairs for the moment.  I’m considering getting rid of many, many other things (all the arts and crafts supplies, things that haven’t been used in 6 months, and things that get left out instead of put away).  But I’m meeting with serious opposition from my husband.  So I have temporarily settled for confiscating possessions left out in the evening and letting the children do extra chores to get them back.  Blessings from this simplifying are already evident- the children are displaying an increased level of creativity.  They’ve been playing with blocks every day, using them as houses, cities, and roads for their cars (in much the same way I used to play with dolls and blocks).  

Getting to bed early.  I’ve gotten more serious about this one.  I’ve been in bed by 10:30 4 or 5 nights out of 7 recently.  And yes, I’m proud of that.  That’s a really hard one for me!  But I keep thinking of all the blessings associated with keeping that commandment, and remind myself that I do want them, so I have to “go and do”!

Since instituting the above two goals I’ve had more time, and it’s been more effective time as well.  With all my new-found time I’ve worked on a few other goals that had been on the back burner.  I’m reading to my children more, reading for myself more, practicing the piano, exercising every (almost) day, and studying Chinese again.  The first four are reasons I wanted to simplify my life in the first place.  The last one, of course, is a gift to my husband, and I have to continually remind myself of the benefits of learning Chinese.  However, on the uber-cute side, my 22 month old can speak Chinese, in complete sentences.  

Oh, and the side benefit to reading for myself more is that I’m learning cool things.  I’ve been reading gospel-themed books, articles I have meant to read for a while, with the occasional TED talk thrown in.  

Exciting events are thrown in too, just to keep life a little off-balance.  Xander figured out scissors also cut hair, and used this newfound power on himself and his baby brother.  I suppose it was bound to happen.  At least they are boys and I can just buzz their hair.  Demetri gets to go to the temple for the first time today!  (I’m still coming to grips with the fact that he’s that old.)  And my baby, talking in full sentences- that’s new too.  And unsettling.  But short of duct taping his mouth, what can I do?

And these do count right?  I don't have to make more goals on January 1st?  Maybe I'll just review these ones and make sure I'm still on-task :).

Answering Questions

A lady from a news place called me today.  She’s working on a pitch for a show about military families, spouses in particular I believe, and wanted some stories.  When she called, I made a complete fool of myself.  I talked her ear off, didn’t directly answer her questions, and felt ridiculous afterward.  The problem is that I need time to think.  The things that come out of my mouth off the cuff are…well, let’s just say my husband’s career in politics has ended before it began, due to his wife’s mouth.  And doesn’t he know it!

Okay, so after some reflection, I would like to answer a few of the questions she asked in a more thoughtful, honest light. 

She wanted to know how I met my husband, and about my family.  Believe me, now she knows more than she wanted to.  I don't care much about secrecy, or privacy, and tend to tell my whole story when given encouragement.  But other questions included ones like these:

Do you take care of yourself? As in, have the time, resources, etc.

I believe that what I told her was that I do spend most of my time on the children , but that it is by choice, and I chose this life.  Which is true.  But I had a fundamental problem with the question.  So here is my real answer.

Not generally in the way that it is usually meant, but I have a couple of friends who make sure I get out sometimes.  Now, this isn’t necessarily due to the military.  This is how I am regardless of circumstances, so far.  Not that I’ve ever been wealthy or had a ton of time on my hands.  But my general view on life happens to be that the idea of self-care (you have to fill your bucket before you can fill someone else or something like that) in reference to anything other than faith is false.  It’s true that having a testimony, and studying the gospel will aid you greatly in helping others with theirs.  Sometimes, in difficult times, you are the one who needs help (spiritual or temporal), and aren’t capable of helping others.  But for the most part, the Lord suggests that helping others, giving ourselves in service, is the solution.  Think of the women in third world countries who spend the entire day just trying to survive- getting water from several miles away, cooking, and doing laundry by hand.  Modern conveniences are a privilege, and bring responsibility.  Responsibility to use the time we save for helping instead of for selfish reasons.  I’m not saying don’t ever have any fun, because there are people in the world who are suffering.  I believe that those in very difficult situations still have joy in small things.  (I AM saying, be mindful of how you use your time.)  However, I don’t believe that very much “me time” is necessary.  It’s nice to have the time to shower and read the scriptures, to write in a journal or on a blog.  Those are good things.  I also believe that women who work 14 hour days and are barely keeping food on the table, and are continually burnt out, are still good mothers and good people (taking care of yourself isn’t necessary in order to be a good mom or wife), and whether they can or they feel like they can’t- they DO.  They keep on giving and keep on going (you don’t have to take care of yourself in order to get done what needs to be done).  You do what you have to do.  So with all of the hype and the articles on taking care of yourself, what I have to say is that it’s a bit overdone.  The occasional girls’ night out or shopping trip is nice, but not necessary.   So I may not “take care of myself” much in the way that you meant, but I feel like I am well taken care of.  

(Incidentally, the short answer to her question should have been “yes.”  Because I do talk to my friends on the phone, play the piano, shower (albeit with the door locked and several hands knocking the entire time), write in my journal and on my blog, watch movies and shows, drink clean water, eat real food, and read books and scripture.  These, in my book , are “taking care of myself.”  Others may choose to do so differently, and that’s okay too.)

Do you and your husband go on dates?

I totally skirted this question.  Completely.  And the real answer is, no.  We don’t really go out and have dinner, go out to movies, or even get to go to the temple together, like, ever.  But I still believe we have a happy, healthy marriage.  (Don’t get me wrong- I do believe it could be better if we did a weekly date, not that those have to be traditional dates either.)  What do we do that I think we have a healthy marriage?  We talk, a lot.  We have planning meetings (not as often as we should) during which we discuss important things, upcoming events, concerns, finances, the children and their needs, and any other thing we want to put on the agenda.  We read books and articles together and discuss them.  We post articles of interest to each others' Facebook, or just read them or hand the phone over.  He listens to my rants, offers his thoughts, and I try hard to do the same for him (although, I must say, he really doesn’t rant much).  We watch a movie together after the kids go to bed-once in a while.  We do everything possible together (even grocery shopping), even if it means being less productive and one of us is just sitting in the car while the other one does whatever errand.  Because we love each others' company.  So we spend as much time together as we can.  

Some of these things we don’t do often enough.  We don’t have the perfect marriage.  We do really well at spending time doing things that help our marriage to be better for a while, and then we slack off for a while until it’s become noticeable, and try to work on it again.  That happens.  I bug him, tease, and maybe nag a little about dates.  It’s something we should do better at- even if only as an example to my five young sons of what they should be doing in their marriages.  But again, it’s not the fault of the military.  Many people who are not fortunate enough to live close to family, or affluent enough to afford much babysitting, struggle with the same issue.

What are your biggest challenges?

I flaked on this answer.  I pretty much told the lady I have an awesome church, awesome husband, and awesome kids.  Who has challenges?  

Now, this is obviously not true, and I think this is where she gave up on me and politely took her leave :).  I was just having problems with being put on the spot.  For a little background though, I had been researching abortion and the Syrian refugees all morning, so really, in that light- what problems?!  I have challenges, just like everyone else.  Sometimes they just pale in comparison to larger problems and I feel like I don’t even have the right to call them challenges.  First world problems.  My biggest challenges right now are (and if you were here it would be obvious) keeping my house clean, Restless Leg Syndrome, getting the kids in bed on time, and menu planning/shopping.  We don’t even have any money problems, I just worry about money too much.  Those, again, are not military related.  They are normal life related.

Answering these questions on here doesn’t do anything but make me feel better.  She’ll never see it, and I can’t go back and change what I did say, or my running mouth that never stops (can I count that as a challenge?!), but it still makes me feel better to write it down.  Have I mentioned that I like debates, discussions, and questions like these online much better than in person?  It gives me time to think, research, or reflect.  This almost unfailingly yields better results :).

A Day in the Life of a Sick House

I should have been writing all week to keep sane instead of living on Facebook and Netflix.  We’ve been sick.  Not horribly, terribly sick where all I do all day is shovel baby Advil down throats while taking temps and cleaning up vomit while worrying about dehydration, but enough to keep the washer going (and kill my ecstasy at being caught up on the laundry), and everyone in the house (save for the few times they escaped the house and I had to round them back up).  It’s the you-think-everyone-is-better-but-then-someone-randomly-throws-up-or-spikes-a-fever kind of sick that keeps you guessing.  So even though no one has vomited or had a fever in 24 hours now, I’m still not letting anyone outside, and kind of waiting on edge for the next victim to surprise me.  Maybe I’ve been in the house too long.  

While being trapped entombed, um…while lovingly taking care of my sick children in our home, I have noticed a few problems (read: railed to my husband over the phone about the mess in my house until he consented to let me get rid of anything I want to) that need to be addressed.  Since my husband’s “okay”, I have been going through books, games, clothes, and getting rid of half of everything. 

I have yet to tackle the cookbooks.  I will be sad to see them go, but the truth of the matter is, with the rare exception, anytime I’m looking for a recipe I end up looking on the internet.  It’s easier.  And faster.  And I get more variety very quickly.  And each recipe has ratings.  With tips.  So really, they are going to need to go.  

My minimalistic tendencies should be well-honed by the time I get to 70.  By then the grandchildren will be screaming at their parents as they are dropped off at my house “No!  Not Grandma’s house!  It’s SOOO BORING!  She has nothing in her house at all and there is nothing to do!  She doesn’t even have a couch to sit on!”  In the meantime, there are 40 tabs up on my phone.  House plans at 1500-2000 s.f. (with 4-5 bedrooms), couches a roomba can fit under, cleaning droid reviews, and a fruitless google search for how to have only 100 things and still raise 5 kids.  Did I mention being in a house for 5 days with sick kids makes me want to burn down the house, or at least throw everything away?

On an entirely different note- I read a most wonderful Ensign article about going to bed early and rising early.  My best friend called me and tipped me off that I should read it (does she know me or what?!).  I have struggled for years with not only the bad habit of going to bed late and getting up as late as possible (and detesting mornings with everything that is in me), but even to cultivate the desire to go to bed early and get up early.  I know it’s a commandment- it probably goes hand in hand with “thou shalt not kill”, but nevertheless it has been one of my problems for years and years.  I would try every now and again, but always ended up falling off the wagon in short order.  Now, I read this Ensign article and was greatly inspired and motivated to change.  I even toyed with the idea of hanging the article in a frame in my bedroom (I still might!).  I set a firm bedtime for myself, and stuck with it…only to be awakened several times by children who had thrown up in their beds (I was pretty awake by the time I was done cleaning up children, changing all the bedding, and throwing a load of wash in), a teething baby, and a humongous cockroach that I could hear in the laundry room from my bedroom (the ensuing war was not pretty), and a couple of false alarms (that had me running upstairs to prevent as much of the mess as possible) by a fitful sleeper.  All of this tells me that God has a sense of humor.  Or he’s just testing me to see if my resolve to keep his commandments will hold.

And- a personal update: I'm fine.  Really, emotionally, physically, doing great.  The emotional angst over the miscarriage ended almost as soon as it was over- well, a couple of days after, and I'm happy to have the opportunity to become more physically fit and work on being healthier before getting pregnant.  My leg is also improving rapidly.  The limp is almost gone, except going up/downhill and the occasional ridiculous attempt at running after a child.  Running.  Ha.  The stairs are still hard.  I can't kneel yet.  But I am working on it- stretching, strength exercises.  Real life is good therapy.

It's Over

Thanks for the love, kindness and prayers.  Although I was really worried about contractions, pain, etc. it really ended up being more like a bad, but lighter, period.  The difference, besides not being pregnant anymore, is that when I get up and do stuff I bleed more and start to cramp.  So I'm just staying down for a few days.  My appointment today confirmed that it was complete, so, no complications.  My sweet sister arranged for dinner on Saturday (which was enough for Sunday dinner too:)), which was definitely the hardest day. 

I'm sure I didn't do anything to cause this, but I'm on the internet researching how to help myself be healthier for next time nonetheless.  Of course, we all know how reliable internet "research" can be, but it's nice to know what others are doing, thinking, what seems to help, and every now and then I come across an actual study or something very useful.  Learning is important and I learned a lot from this.  It was very different from the last one.  I used a lot of herbs that really helped, and figured out what I'd like to keep on hand. 

 I don't know why everything happens, but I'm at peace with this miscarriage.  It took so much longer last time for me to be okay with how things turned out.  I really wanted to understand, and thought I needed to understand exactly why, how, how to prevent it, and was generally in turmoil for several months.  I have faith that there was a reason, even if it was just for my own experience, and that everything will be fine.  Probably better than fine. 

The baby is mad at me for not picking him up today.  I can't even begin to count his words- he knows too many now and learns more every day.  The other kids are having a hard time doing their chores and school.  I'm having a hard time deciding whether to be an enforcer from the couch, or just ignore it all and put old movies on for the day (which would, of course, stop all progress on everything else). 

Waiting

Waiting is never fun for me.  Waiting for something unpleasant is much less fun.  I found out I was pregnant the day my sister found out her baby had passed away.  (And I cried for days due to crazy pregnancy hormones.)  I worried about how and when to tell her, and decided on waiting until much later.  I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Or getting a larger vehicle by January.

Today, I started bleeding, just spotting at first, and then real bleeding.  The OB did blood tests and an intravaginal ultrasound.  They would be very surprised if I didn’t miscarry.  A blessing confirmed that I will, and that it will be okay.  At 6 weeks they don’t usually do D&Cs, which I didn’t want anyway.  

So now I wait.  The first time I didn’t know what was coming.  Now I do, though every miscarriage is different, and I’m dreading it.  The pain, the blood, the time, the weakness and recovery.  I want it to be over and done so I can start over.  Dumb pregnancy hormones are making me weepy.  My body knows it’s not pregnant anymore.  The nausea left all at once.  But the hormones take much longer to subside.  

I want to run.  But even when it’s over, the best I can do is limp.  A stranger at the bus stop asked if I was okay as I slumped against the car when I returned from the hospital.  A neighbor pretended he didn’t see me as I cried my way up to my house.  I almost laughed, but I was busy crying.

The cramping is mild, but not so mild that I can sleep.  Maybe if I can sleep, I can deal with this tomorrow.  I’m glad everyone is going to be gone.  I was going to go to the PCC too, but now I will stay home in bed and hope it’s all over by the time they get back.  I don’t like people around when I’m in pain, or sad.  I don’t like writing public posts like this, but I was going to write it anyway, for my journal. I hate to end on a not-particularly-positive note, but at the moment I’m not feeling all that positive.  Maybe tomorrow.